|Thirteen Things about the 2-cat Mafia, a.k.a The Meowfia)
I’m feeling most unispired today, which is why this post is late. Blame it on the rain. After hanging out with the in-laws and watching Mrs. Henderson Presents at the Ridge Theatre, I came home to find the bratlings antsy and bored and obviously in the midst of their next plan to take over the world using stretchy string, a red mouse, and some stamps featuring the current Queen. They were most startled by my reappearance (I arrived a good half hour earlier than they expected), and sensing danger I thought I’d save myself by pretending I’d noticed nothing and asked them to help me with coming up with something for this week’s TT. While this is not a direct translation (they’re not good with verbs, these guys), this is an approximation based on tail twitches, eye squeezes, disdainful looks, and licking of hindquarters. Bear with me.
1. What do you do all day? Eat. Sleep. Make things mine. Stare out the windows and curse the seagulls. Dream of catnip and being the first to explore the continent of Micea. Try to figure out how to grow opposable thumbs so we can make ourselves a bloody cup of tea.
2. Um.. OK…. Is there anything you’d like to do more of? Yes. We like to watch you at your most embarassing. Why can’t we join you on the bed when you’re tussling with the naked guy?
3. Heh.. moving right along.. Who do you thinks runs the show around here? We do.
4. Why do you think that? You may have the opposable thumbs, the money card and the house keys, but who gets up at 5am to feed us? Who cleans our bathroom, our yak, our dishes? Who plays with us at 3 in the morning when we bounce on our bed with our special magic stretchy string? Puny human. We’ve got you trained.
5. Right… Let’s talk toys. Why do you ignore the expensive toys we’ve got you and delight in stealing twist ties & stretchy string? Not expensive enough. We want Harrod’s!
6. And you sharpen your claws on the couch instead of the specially supplied carpeted cat house because…? It’s there. Same reason you eat all the fudge and then pretend you didn’t.
7. On a more somber note, I’m going to direct this one to Her Highness – are you up to discussing your um… “special” interest in chewing plastic bags? No. Now go away. But not before you leave me that one you got from Meinhardt’s. I haven’t tried that one yet. It smells good.
8. OK then, over to you big guy. You’ve been losing weight on this all wet food diet. How do you feel about the newly discovered bum dimples? ………………………………………………………………………………..
(Author’s note: I lost him at this point. He’s figured out that he can check out his newly remodeled butt in just about every shiny surface in the place, including the bathroom mirror. He’ll be HOURS.)
9. So HH, what’s your favorite body part? My very.. sharp…wit. What – you were expecting claws? From the bathroom. My feet! My feet! Look at my dancing feet! And check out my BUM!
10. HH, you’re the older cat – does that mean you’re also the alpha cat? Or does the Yowler have that spot because of his size? Ah, kids these days…. He thinks he’s some hot shot, some super power because he’s so big and has access to weaponry… I don’t need such crutches – I rule my domain with an iron paw. Truth is I’ve never let him forget I bagged him just hours after he got tutored at the vets. He called me a bad name.
11. Really? What did he call you? Dog.
12. You seem to be obsessed with this opposable thumb thing. Is that why you hang around the microwave? What gives?It’s more a question of what doesn’t. The fridge doesn’t. Nor the cat drawer where the stinky goodness and yummy legal herbs live. Nor the front door. No thumbs means no access to the yarn stash, or the snips to cut the guy’s strings with. We hate those strings.
13. Wow. I didn’t know you felt so strongly about that. Any last things you’d like to share? Step away from the cheese and no one gets hurt…..
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